Trapped Under Ice

2011

2011-12-31T16:54:00.002-06:00

With about 7 hours left in 2011, I am sitting in my recliner holding one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. My Bella is napping before heading to Nana's house for the night. I'm excited because it's been a few years since Rob and I have gone out for New Year's eve. It's hard to keep a marriage strong if you don't take time to nurture it. I am looking forward to 2012 and the chance to start anew. I've got a lot of big plans on the horizon and with God's help they will come to fruition. We're praying that 2012 will bring a close to Fuzzy's case and allow me to introduce him on here as my son.

So everyone be safe and see you next year!

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Hiding

2011-12-29T16:44:00.003-06:00

It's been way too long since I've posted. I really should write more often to just release everything that's going on in my head and in my heart, but I end up burying things away under piles of work. It's easier to hide rather than face things. I spend most of my time away from work doing other things like cleaning, organizing, selling, basically anything that will keep me busy. Busy equals no time to think. I feel like my life is in a constant state of uncertainty. I've let myself go. I don't remember the last time I exercised or even really cared about what I eat. I cringe at the sight of myself in pictures. I need to get things back under control. I need to get myself on a real schedule and stop just flying like a leaf in the wind.

A few years ago I gave up on making resolutions and changed to setting goals for myself for the coming year. I think if I write them out here they will become more real to me. Some of my goals for 2012 are:

1. I will lose 20% of my body weight in 2012.
2. I will take time for me.
3. I will set-up automatic drafts into our vacation and Christmas savings accounts.
4. I will make time for a date at least once a month with my husband.
5. I will walk a mile or do some form of exercise at least 3 times a week.
6. Pay off more debt.
7. Take the kids outside to play more often.
8. Blog more
9. I will read at least 10 grown-up books in 2012.
10. I will participate in a group bible study.

Ok. It's out there, and now I will use my blog to keep track and keep myself motivated. Well, if I don't make it back here this weekend I wish everyone a happy and blessed new year. The best is yet to come!

Halloween 2011

2011-11-02T08:23:00.000-05:00

We're alive and well for the most part. We took the kids to our church's Trick R Trunk. Fuzzy had a blast. Bella not so much. We found out that both of her ears are infected. I will hopefully get a change to really blog again soon. :)

Trippen

2011-10-09T01:24:00.003-05:00

I'm going on my first business trip ever this week. My department is heading to Denver for a few days. I hope Rob and the kids will make it ok without me. I'm sad to leave my family, but excited to see a new city. Gotta make sure to take my computer so I can veg out on netflix in the evenings after being in meetings all day. Might as well take full advantage of my time away.

Guilt

2011-10-09T01:07:00.003-05:00

I've really got to get better about updating my blog. It's not like I don't have anything to say. I have all loads of stuff I want to get off my chest, but I let life take me in other directions. I let my guilt of not being at home with Bella keep me off my computer most days except for Saturday night when I have to do my church overheads. I guess I expected it to get easier to as time went on, but it doesn't.

Friday she fell at daycare and bust her lip on the hard floor. It made me so sad to see her face messed up like that. I just kept thinking that if she had been at home that might not have happened. I still pray all the time that somehow we will come into some money so I can quit my job, and be her sole care provider. I worked so hard to get her here, and I have to drop her off with other people 5 days out of the week. I know that there are pros and cons to daycare, but dammit I don't care. She's my rainbow baby. She's brought joy to my life that I never knew I could have.

Yes, some of you are wondering why I didn't have the joy or the guilt that I have with Bella with Fuzzy. It's hard to admit, but even after 3 years I'm still guarded. He is my son, but that some stupid judge can change that in a matter of minutes. This judge doesn't see me as any more than a long term babysitter. To the courts, his mother is the person that would be proud if he joined a gang, sold drugs, and spent his life locked up. I mean nothing. But when it comes to Bella I am her one and only Mother. There is no one "above" me.

I hate that I feel this way. I am ashamed that I feel this way, but it's hard to remain a starry eyed optimist after all this time. It hasn't been as long as some kids are in the system. But damn everyone sees that this should have been over a long time ago. Our lives should be allowed some sort of normalcy.

Arabella is 1!

2011-09-06T16:45:00.004-05:00

Arabella turned 1 last Thursday on September 1. She had a small party at her daycare. Then we took her and her big brother out for frozen yogurt and some time in the park that evening. Bella had her 1st taste of cake that day, and she loved it! We had a 2nd party that Saturday with friends and family. It was a ton of work, but it was worth it in the end. Somethings didn't work out as planned which pissed me off to no end, but I have to put that behind me. We baked and cooked and cooked. I planned and planned and shopped and shopped. I even decorated cookies which is so unlike me. I did what I set out to do which was give my daughter a nice party in celebration of her first year of life.

Next year's party will be something simple that I don't have to do anything but send out invitations and pay for it. LOL!

In the midst of all this partying, Robert and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary with a nice quiet dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. :)

Preparing

2011-08-19T12:50:00.000-05:00

I’ve been busy planning Arabella’s first birthday party. I can’t believe that she will be 1 in less than 2 weeks. This year has flown by. It seems like I blinked and my little newborn was crawling around then all of a sudden she was standing. Then she just took off walking within a few days of standing on her own. Now she’s trying to run...wow. Sometimes I wish she would slow down and let me catch my breath.

This party is a departure from my norm of picking a “box theme” that I like and getting all the matching accessories. I wanted something unique for her. There is really only one theme that fits Bella perfectly and that’s princess. So I have been searching and designing everything I can think of for this event. It’s been fun stepping outside the box and being more domestic and crafty. I’ve actually been making things instead of just buying them online. Rob and I spent a couple of nights baking, making frosting, and decorating cakes and cupcakes. It looks so much easier than it is lol. Fuzzy has enjoyed eating my test cake. This weekend will be full of painting and constructing decorations. Plus I have to get the invitations printed and mailed off this weekend. We will be worn out by the time this is all over, but it will be so worth it.

Hello...again

2011-07-20T03:06:00.001-05:00

Ok I fallen off the face of the blog-o-sphere again. But I'm back to catch everyone up. Bella is cruising everywhere and standing on her own. I think it won't be long until she's walking! It's been so exciting to watch her grow and develop. But I still get a little sad at how fast this year has gone. I'm planning her 1st birthday party now :(

I can't remember if I mentioned that Arabella won her first pageant back in May. She did great despite the sweltering heat since the pageant was outside! She was crowned Baby Miss Louisiana Southern Fried Festival :) It was fun, but I doubt that I will become addicted to pageants like several of the people I met that day. One little girl in her division was in a pageant every weekend for the next 3 months. WTH? That is so not my thing. We've also been doing a little modeling for boutiques on Face*book.

Fuzzy turned 3 years old yesterday. It's still hard to believe that he's been with us this long. He had a great time at his party with all his friends. We got him his first big boy bike with training wheels and his very own superhero costume. Plus a new cowboy hat which he is in love with. Lots of Toy Story stuff to help feed his addiction to those movies too.
We're still failing miserably in the potty training department. The boy is stubborn, and could care less that he's soaking wet or dirty. He's never said once that he needs to potty or even let us know he was wet. I want to get him in a Pre-K 3 program so badly to get him into a more structured learning environment, but we can't since he's not potty trained. Plus he's a bully which just makes things even worse at daycare. His teacher is a great person, and loves the kids a bunch. But she hasn't received any type of early educational training that I think he needs.

We went to court last week, and for the first time the judge seems to be fed up with the BM and her "issues". Hopefully we will be going back in August for another termination hearing. Praying that we can finally end this chapter of our lives.

I'm still battling with my weight loss or lack of weight loss. Everything that I've tried that has worked for me in the past isn't working now. Every time I get on the scale I just want to give up. Hell why am I not enjoying all the wonderful bad for you foods, and not getting a pay off? But I keep trying. I just want to get to a good weight so I can do all the fun things with Bella. I don't want her to remember her fatty mama. I want her to have a mama that can run and play with her.

Oh yeah and here's one of Bella's modeling pictures I took.

The Final Stand

2011-06-14T05:48:00.000-05:00

My mind has been wandering for the past couple of days. Most of you won't understand why when I explain, but that's ok. On Sunday, we played Dungeons and Dragons like we do every other week. We have been playing with the same characters for a couple of years which I have never done before. Usually our characters last a few months at most. So over this time I have grown very attached to my character, Belle, and her back story.

Sunday was the climax of her story and her journey toward what I thought was one of her ultimate goals. I liken it to reading a series of books, and over time you are swept into the story. You feel a connection with the characters and how their story plays out. Then before you know it you reach the peak of the mountain, and sometimes you're left wondering where things will go from there.

Belle's story had all the ingredients needed for a good movie: Sad, lonely, beautiful girl meets handsome, strong, protective guy. They fall in love, but are torn apart because of evil bad guy trying to take over the world. Good guy turns bad and beautiful girl makes it her life goal to destroy now evil guy. Girl and guy meet again decades later, and have no choice but to fight to the death. Girl wins a bittersweet victory, and finds out more of the reasons why good guy turned bad. Girl accepts that she never stopped loving him, but it's too late now.

So now it feels like a chapter of my life is coming to an end. Our usual D & D group has gone and is going through a lot of changes with regular players moving away. I really hope that we will keep playing because I have never found anything else that challenges my imagination like Dungeons and Dragons. Video games just don't do it for me. I want my mind to be the limiter instead of a computer programmer. Plus I love the hanging out with friends playing and eating and BS'ing. I'm a paper RPG nerd and I love it!

Music

2011-06-09T12:34:00.000-05:00

I’ve always loved music. I starting singing in choirs when I was 4. When I’m happy I love to listen to music. When I’m angry or sad, I need to listen to music. It invigorates me. It soothes me. It speaks to me when no one else can. I spend most of my day at work with my headphones on listening to music. I’m not a person that will only listen to 1 genre. I think good music can be found in most categories of music. I’m excited that both of my kids love music, and I plan to nurture that interest as they grow older. Be it through playing an instrument or singing or writing music. But it would be cool to have my child become the next Beethoven or Steven Curtis Chapman :)

Happy Birthday Princess

2011-05-13T22:25:00.003-05:00

Today is our beautiful, firstborn daughter, Madison's 5th birthday. Today we celebrated her life, and what she means to us. Robert and I both took the day off to do things that we would have done with her. We went to see a cartoon movie, Hoodwinked Too. It was amusing. We ate a nice lunch then took balloons and flowers out to her grave. This evening we had snow cones and birthday cake. Bella even had her first taste of snow cone today in her big sister's honor :) It's been a pretty nice day.

It's still hard not to miss her, and think of what she would be doing now. We talked about how different our lives would be now if she was still here with us :( But everything that has happened, has happened for a reason. We will be together again one day.

We love you so much Madison! Happy Birthday!

Storms

2011-04-28T12:21:00.000-05:00

Tuesday night scared the bee-gee-beez out of me. The wind started blowing and then it starting storming which wasn't that bad. But about 10 that night the hail started. Thank God that we have a carport now. Then I started hearing reports of tornadoes within miles of us coming our direction. We usually get tornado watches, but not warnings, and rarely actual ones that form near us. Both kids slept through the whole thing. I think Bella's time in the NICU has made her used to noises when when she sleeps. I ended up staying up much later than I normally do, and every sound I heard I was ready to run and grab the kids to hide in the bathroom. We only lost power for a few minutes which was great. The next morning we realized that a 12 foot section of our pine tree was ripped off and sent into our neighbor's driveway. I'm glad it didn't hit her car or house. So Rob spent part of his morning before he went to work hacking away at a tree so he could remove it from her property. I can't imagine living somewhere like Oklahoma where this happens all the time. I would be a nervous wreck. I know things could have been a lot worse, and I thank God that they were not. Everyone that has been affected by the storms are in my prayers.

Thankful

2011-04-11T12:15:00.000-05:00

This morning as I was driving to work after dropping the kids off at daycare the DJ told a story about why one of the listeners requested that song to be played. The song was "Streets of Gold" by Needtobreathe. The listener wanted it because it reminds her of her 23 year old daughter that passed away last year suddenly. Her daughter was 35 weeks pregnant and started having difficulty breathing. They diagnosed her with primary pulmonary hypertension, and she was in heart failure. Her daughter had the baby by emergency c-section, and 18 hours later. She never saw her son, and left another young child without a mother.

I sobbed as I thanked God for allowing me to still be here. I know that my pregnancies could have ended a lot worse. I've read and I've been told by several doctors that I should have brain damage or worse after what happened when I was pregnant with my Maddie. I have no clear memories of that day. The stroke that happened that day at some point in between the seizures only left minimal damage. Thank God that my husband knew the sound and sign of a seizure over the phone, and raced home to save us. But after all that God kept me healthy enough to carry another baby to term without the need for any emergency intervention!

Five years after the fact I finally accept that Madison was never supposed to be with us on earth for any longer than she was. She was meant to be a perfect, untouched by the sins of this world angel. She was meant for so much more than we could realize back then. I still and always will dream of the day that I will see my eldest daughter again as beautiful and real as her little sister is to me today.

Nothing

2011-04-08T12:20:00.000-05:00

It's been 3 weeks since we went to court, and we still haven't heard anything yet. I don't know why these weeks have bothered me so much when we've been waiting almost 3 years. I feel like we can't make any real plans for the future until this is resolved. We were talking about getting me a bigger car, but that can't happen until we know he's staying with us. The other parents are looking at pre-k 3 programs for their kids for the fall. I find myself not buying things for him that will take a few weeks to be delivered. I hope that a resolution comes soon.

Court

2011-03-18T12:32:00.000-05:00

We won't know anything on Fuzzy's case for another 2 weeks probably. Sat in court for several hours until they told us to leave because Fuzzy was getting really aggravated being locked in a waiting room that long. They were so behind they didn't call our case until 5:30 that evening. After all that the judge still didn't make a decision. I am beyond pissed off at this point. We need a resolution.

Fuzzy was attached to his BM the whole time again. He didn't want to come home with us and was mad when we took him away from her. I really wish I knew what was going through his head sometimes. I don't know what changed in the last couple of months that made him love being with her when he has hated being around her for the past 2 years.

Denial

2011-03-14T12:27:00.000-05:00

I've been telling myself that whatever happens tomorrow in court is God's will, and that I will be fine either way. Yeah, I've been lying to myself. I don't know what I would do without Fuzzy. We've been together too long to just let him go now. We're his parents, but we are completely helpless in this situation. I hate this...

You're a what...?

2011-03-09T05:12:00.000-06:00

I just read an article where a woman was proud of her decision to be "part-time mother". WTF is that? How can a seemingly educated adult make the decision to have children, and then when it's not all roses and sunshine decide that it's too much. We all know where babies come from, and how to prevent them so why not get your tubes tied if you don't want kids? Or choose a long term birth control like an IUD?

I am exhausted most days with my 2 kids, but they are mine. I will never look back years from now, and realize that I didn't give them my all. I think that "part-time" mother is no mother at all. Maybe she should call herself a nanny or childcare provider.

So what if I can't travel the world at the drop of a hat. I knew that I was giving up somethings in life to become a mother. I am here to make my kids' lives better, and by being with me my kids have made my life better.

Busy Bee

2011-03-01T06:48:00.000-06:00

I keep saying that I will do better. I will treat my old friend, my refuge, my soapbox better. I will visit more often. But literally life keeps making me push you aside. After working all day, I try to come home and be a good mother and wife which leaves little to no time for my blog. It still bothers me that I have Bella in daycare, and not home with me so when I’m home I just want to give her as much of me as I can. I’m still partially breastfeeding, and it’s been a struggle. My medications for my blood pressure make my milk production low. I’ve tried every supplement and technique I’ve come across. It’s frustrating to say the least, but I keep going for Bella. I’ve longed for a living child of my own for so long that I will do everything in my power to give her the best.

She’s 6 months old now, and I still can’t believe it. It really does seem like yesterday I was organizing her room waiting for her arrival. Now she’s trying to crawl. She’s such a loving child. One of her favorite ways to relax is to lay in my arms with her hand stroking my face. She does the same thing with her Daddy just with his beard. She looks so much like Robert it’s funny. But she’s got my attitude and facial expressions.

Fuzzy has become a much better big brother. He’s always trying to bring her toys to her, and when she cries he’s calling for mama and daddy or telling her it’s ok. She loves to watch him run around and play.

Well, time to get back to other things, but I promise I'll be back later.

Miss Bella

31

2011-01-24T17:15:00.000-06:00

Today I turned 31 years old...wow. It's been a rather low-key birthday. I worked all day, and just went to lunch with a couple of friends from work. In our new parent/teething baby stupor, Robert forgot it was my birthday until mid-morning. I had lots of friends on face*book send me happy birthday wishes which was great. I'm hoping to get a chance to have a date night this weekend, but we will see if we can find a babysitter. If not that's ok because I already have the greatest gift I could hope to have, and that's my healthy daughter. Arabella is the perfect everyday gift.

A lot has changed in the past year. This time last year, I was early in my pregnancy and still not sure how things would turn out. And now I'm a mother of a 4 almost 5 month old. Wow. All I can really say is thank God for another year.

Still Waiting

2011-01-13T16:57:00.002-06:00

We went to court on Tuesday only to find out that the judge wasn't there. There was another judge filling in for her, but he refused to make a TPR ruling on a case that he had not been involved with. So now we have to wait until March to hopefully get termination granted. This hearing was stressful because Fuzzy was very clingy and didn't want to have anything to do with anyone but us. He met his bio father for the first time, and that didn't go well either. His worker said he just cried for us the whole 10 minutes he was there.

I'm updating about our delay with a heavy heart for my friend Angie. They went to court today, and their foster daughter is being sent home soon. I know all too well that pain, and I wish that they didn't have to go through that. I just don't understand why "in the best interest of the child" is just words and not actions.

Still Here

2011-01-09T20:02:00.007-06:00

It's been a while, but time seems to fly by now. Christmas has come and gone. Now we're preparing to go to court on Tuesday for TPR. I'm starting to get nervous, but we knew this day was coming. I know nothing is certain until we sign the papers and a judge declares him ours.

Christmas was busy, but nice. Both kids got lots of wonderful gifts, and we were blessed to spend the holiday with both of them. It's hard to believe that this time last year I had given up having a baby until we could save up enough for more fertility treatments. And just a year later we have a beautiful 4 month old daughter that is ours with no strings attached. I thank God everyday for her.Bella has been sick with RSV for the past week or so. She's much better now, but still on lots of breathing treatments. We're glad that we caught it early enough that she didn't have to be hospitalized.

Tomorrow will most likely be a snow/ice day here. We've been having ice/sleet/snow all day long today, and the temperature has been dropping. They are predicting it to get worse overnight. The local schools are closed so my daycare will be closed too. So mama will be home tomorrow with the kids. Praying that Rob's office is closed too so I won't be alone all day. Fuzzy is quite the handful.

Here are some pictures of the kids over the holidays.

November Pictures

2010-11-25T11:10:00.004-06:00

My dad and Robert at Bella's Baptism

Bella dressed for her baptism

Bella- 11 weeks

Fuzzy and his favorite "people"

Neglect

2010-11-24T19:13:00.000-06:00

I feel bad that I have neglected the haven that has given my mind a place to break free and my heart a place to pour out. I have tried several times to update, but something comes up everytime. I'm typing francticly while Fuzzy watches a Madagascar Christmas special and Bella snoozes in the swing. So what have I been up...lots of motherhooding. Lol!

Bella's baptism was this past weekend, and it went very well. I hosted family and friends for lunch at our house afterward, and thankfully everyone enjoyed themselves. She's getting bigger everyday, and doing more and more. It still doesn't feel like she will be 3 months old next week.

Fuzzy is still working on his jealousy issues and acting out, but we're surviving. He's no longer keeping me up all night. He went through a phase when he would fight us for hours before he went to sleep, and then he would wake up and scream for hours around 3 in the morning. We will go back to court for TPR in January so at least we can focus on the holidays as a family, and deal with that next year.

I just had to come here before Thanksgiving to let everyone that's read my blog over the past years know that I am thankful for you. I appreciate all the prayers, positive thoughts, and well wishes that have been extended to me. Love y'all!

Halloween

2010-11-02T23:51:00.000-05:00

I know I've been away for a long time. But life with 2 kids has been more time consuming than I expected. Everyone is very needy plus I'm back at work fulltime. We took the kids to our church's Trick R Trunk on Sunday, and we're both still exhausted. No new news on Fuzzy's case. We're hoping to go back to court before the end of the year. Bella is doing better. She just started on a hypoallerginic formula, and we're hoping this will clear up her tummy issues. She's growing great though. She's up to 11 pounds at 2 months :)

October 15

2010-10-15T22:06:00.003-05:00

This day is a day to make certain that we remember all the mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends that have lost a precious little one far too soon. This day is for everyone that has lost a child at any stage of life. Life is life no matter what. I have so many friends that I have met over the years that have lost babies. We have a bond and understanding of loss that no one wishes upon someone else. Tonight I lit Madison's memorial candle and watched the flame glow as brightly and as warmly as my undying love for her. It doesn't matter how long it's been since she went away, she will always be remembered and always be loved.

A Princess' Arrival

2010-09-16T13:50:00.005-05:00

Sorry this has taken me so long to post:

I went in on Sept. 1 for a scheduled c-section. We were beyond thrilled to have made it to 37 weeks and not have to endure another emergency c-section. I checked in the hospital at 10 AM to get prepped for surgery. Our church pastor dropped by around 11:30 to wish us well and pray with us which was a welcome surprise. Around noon my doc showed up, and it was time to go to the operating room. I was rather nervous about the spinal anesthesia because I had a fear of someone poking me in the back with a big needle. But thankfully that went quickly and hardly hurt at all. It was freaky when the medicine kicked in since I couldn't feel anything from my chest down. The surgery went as expected except for the ton of fibroids that my doctor found and removed.

Arabella Grace came out kicking and screaming loud enough to be heard down the hall at 1:10 PM. She was 7 pounds 14 ounces, and stole our hearts the moment we saw her. We both cried.

While I was in recovery, the doctors heard a heart murmur while they were working on her to get the left over fluid out of her lungs so she was moved to the NICU. This was really hard on me because I was terrified that some doctor would walk in and say that she gone. Plus since I had a catheter put in during the surgery I couldn't even go to the NICU until the next day to see her. Robert brought me pictures but it just wasn't the same. I needed to touch her to prove to my mind that she was still real, and that she would be ok.

Thank God that early the next morning the catheter was removed, and I was able to visit her. Once I was able to see and hold her, I was able to let go of a lot of my fears. Over the next week, her murmur went away, and all her tests came back fine. She did develop jaundice on day 3, but that went away after a day under the lights. The week she was in the NICU was tough with scheduled visit times, driving back and forth all day, and trying to take care of our son who couldn't go into the NICU. I'm glad that it was only a week that we had to do this.

We've been home for a week now, and we're still trying to find our groove. Breast feeding has been hard, but I'm still trying. At least my milk supply has increased since she's been home and been able to actually nurse instead of me pumping all day. We're supplementing formula also per her pediatrician since she was losing weight.

It's Time

2010-08-31T23:20:00.000-05:00

Well, tomorrow we will be having our little princess so I figured it was now or never for me to post a final picture of myself pregnant. I'm 37 weeks and 2 days :)

Countdown

2010-08-26T22:42:00.002-05:00

My OB scheduled my c-section for next Wednesday, Sept 1! We're so happy that we've made it this far into the pregnancy, and that our little girl will be full term! It's still sinking in that we will get to have a normal, non-emergency delivery. It feels so good. I thank God everyday for keeping us both safe and healthy. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers that we will have a beautiful, peaceful delivery next week. :)

School

2010-08-18T17:08:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting here thinking about my Madison, and how I would be so proud of her today as she started school for the first time. It doesn't seem like 4 years have passed already. It still makes me cry just as easily as it did when we first lost her. I know she would be so excited to have a little sister, and to be mommy's helper. I just keep telling myself that it was never my will or within my power to keep her here with us. Our little girl was meant for bigger things.

Problems

2010-08-09T18:17:00.000-05:00

Fuzzy and I have been having issues with each other on and off, but the last few weeks have been the worst. He doesn't really want to have anything to do with me. He only wants Robert. If I kiss him he wipes it off. He only hugs me if Rob makes him or I catch him, and it's not even much a of hug when he does it. I know part of it is because I am the stricter parent. I just fear that if I don't keep him within the rules now that it will just get worse and harder as he gets older. I refuse to let him go through a store messing up things or breaking stuff or sit in a restaurant and yell like he's on a playground. He's at the age where he talks back to us, and I don't stand for it. Rob gives him more leeway on that than I do. He runs to Rob for just about everything. And I try not to but I can't help but take it personal when Rob asks him if he loves mama, and he says no.

Bed Rest

2010-08-06T18:58:00.003-05:00

I figured by now I would have updated my blog, and actually started posting again on a regular basis. But nope because I've spent most of the last 2 weeks asleep. I went in on July 28 to see the fetal medicine specialist for my monthly appointment. Well, my blood pressure was 190/89 so that meant that I couldn't leave. My OB popped up about 15 minutes later, and told me that I was being admitted for testing and steroids for mature the baby's lungs in case she had to be delivered. I ended up staying for 2 days, and getting my meds increased. I'm now on bed rest until further notice. I missed the wonderful shower that my co-workers threw for me that just happened to be the same day I was locked up in the hospital. I did manage to get out in time to go to my last shower that was on the 31st. It was a beautiful shower, but I was exhausted by the time it was over. On Wednesday, I had a follow-up visit with my OB and my blood pressure was still up. So he put me on an additional medicine, and so far so good. My blood pressure has been great, but I have been battling the side effects of the new med. I have been so sleepy all the time. I take this med 3 times a day which makes the drowsiness even better. But it's for the best. The longer I can keep her safely inside of me the better. So I will be 34 weeks next week, and just hope and pray that I can at least get to 36 weeks.

Oh yeah during the ultrasound I had on July 28, she's estimated to be 6 plus pounds already!

32 weeks

2010-07-26T11:58:00.010-05:00

I'm still chugging along. This will probably be my last week working until after the baby comes. My blood pressure is starting to stay elevated, and the swelling in my lower extemities is pretty bad. It's hard to walk around much without my legs hurting, and they hurt to touch them too. I

have an appointment with my perinatologist this Wednesday so we will see how much little princess has grown. I will see my OB on Friday to see if he's going to make me stay home. I begged another week out of him last Friday so I could get some loose ends tied up at work.

Fuzzy had a fun birthday party. He loved running and playing with all the gymnatsics stuff and the huge ball pit. He got several toys that's he's addicted to, and has driven everyone crazy with them so far.

My first shower went well. I had a good time with my friends from church, and I'm so happy and blessed that so many people are happy for us.

Here are some pics from Fuzzy's party and my shower last weekend.

My hostesses Friends

Happy Now Robert!

2010-07-15T22:45:00.003-05:00

Robert told me it was way past time for me to post again. He's my blog stalker. I didn't even realize that it was the beginning of the month when I posted last. Sorry about that. It's weird because time seems to be going to slowly when I think about getting to my delivery time, but in other areas time is moving quickly. I have about 3 weeks left at work before I start my scheduled maternity leave. I'm hoping to have 2 weeks at home before little miss is born. My fetal specialists are saying that they don't see me making it any further than 36 weeks...ahhhh! But little miss is doing great. She's still in the 89% percentile for a baby several weeks older than her. My blood pressure has started to creep up on occasion, and my docs will only increase my current meds once before we will start looking at delivery. They want to avoid an emergency situation like last time at all costs. I would prefer that also because I want to be awake and alert for delivery this time. The thought of hearing her first cry brings tears to my eyes.

The nursery is coming along well. The painting is done, crib is assembled, rocker and ottoman are ready. The letters that spell out her name have been lovingly designed and painted by her daddy. I'm working on a few extra decorations for her room, and hope to get her closet put together in the next few days. We won't have much time to work on the nursery this weekend since this is Fuzzy's birthday weekend. His party will be Saturday. I went the lazy route for the party. I knew I wouldn't have the energy to host a party at home so we're going to a party center. They will entertain the kids and handle everything. I will get the joy of just taking pictures and enjoying the party!

The next day will be my first baby shower. I went from worrying about not having one because it seemed like everyone I encountered that was due with me or behind me already had showers planned for them. Then all of a sudden I have 3 showers! I feel very blessed that so many people want to celebrate this baby's birth.

I will post pictures of the nursery, Fuzzy's party, and my shower as soon as I can. And I will try to get better and stay on top of my blog instead of just posting little updates on Face*book.

Ultrasound

2010-07-01T18:22:00.004-05:00

We're still moving full steam ahead with my pregnancy and preparing for little girl's arrival. I had my 28 week ultrasound today to check her development, my fluid level, and other things. Everything is looking wonderful. She was sleeping peacefully throughout most of the scan. We got some good 3D shots of her smiling with big chubby cheeks. Love, love, love. She's measuring 31 weeks all over, and her estimated weight is 3 pounds 8 ounces. Our next goal is to get to 32 weeks then on to 36! I've decided that unless something changes with my health that I will go on maternity leave starting Aug. 9. My very swollen legs and feet are counting down the days. I've been having a lot of pressure very low, but that's because baby girl is head down now. My cervix is looking good too. She's moving all the time, and taking my breath away with some of her jabs.

Right now Rob is painting the nursery. I can't wait for that part to be done so we can putting things together and getting up the decorations. I now have 3 baby showers scheduled. I didn't expect to have that many, but I'm so happy that so many people want to celebrate our little girl. I've been having fun stressing over my registries just trying to make sure that I have everything on there, and that the things I have on there are really what we want and need.

I've got 2 doctors appointments next week, one with my OB and one with the perinatologist. But at least I've got a nice long weekend to look forward to also :)

Trudging Forward

2010-06-18T23:50:00.002-05:00

Things are still good. The blood pressure is staying on the borderline which means that I don't need to increase my dosages yet. My blood glucose readings have been good too. Baby girl is very active and very big. She's in the 90th percentile! My OB has started seeing me weekly at this point. My feet and legs look like tree trunks from all the fluid retention. I can only fit my huge shoes. I ended up buying a pair of guy's flip flops because pre-pregnancy I wore an 11, and I can't find any women's shoes that fit in the store. My doc is ready for me to stop working, but I'm holding out as long as I can. Even though every morning it's pretty damn hard to get out of bed and get dressed. But I want to have as much time at home with my Princess as possible. So I'm down to about 30 something working days until I will start my maternity leave if all continues to go well.

I placed a few ads online for the nursery furniture that we used for Fuzzy. So far we've sold the glider/ottoman. Hopefully the prospective buyer for the crib, changing table, and dresser will come by tomorrow and take them all! We need them gone so Rob will have enough room to start painting and putting new furniture together. I've started seriously nesting all over my house, and I know that it will just get worse. LOL.

We've gotten some potentially good news on Fuzzy's case, and hopefully this will cause the judge to see the light and start the termination process for him. He's turning 2 years old next month. It just doesn't seem like it's been 2 years. My little Fuzzy has changed so much.

2010-06-06T01:26:00.002-05:00

Things have calmed down a little but around here. Fuzzy is feeling better. Rob and I are working more and more on the nursery. We picked out paints, and now I'm just trying to figure out what paint technique we want to do. I'm adding some finishing touches on my baby registries, and a good friend of ours has already claimed the crib we want. I'm trying to sell our old crib, changing table, dresser, and rocker on craigslist. It's been a few days with lots of inquiries, but no luck yet. I'm still not sure when I will have a baby shower or who will host it. I think people are afraid to bring it up to me because of my history. I don't know. I guess we will see what happens over the next several weeks.

Sick Kid

2010-05-28T19:07:00.002-05:00

The daycare mentioned yesterday evening that they thought Fuzzy may have an urinary tract infection because he was crying and holding himself whenever he tried to urinate all day. Oh joy! Thanks for telling me at 5:45 PM after all the doctors are closed instead of calling me during the day so I could make plans to get him in to his pediatrician. When he got home he acted like it was hurting him to go so we grabbed him some cranberry juice and gave him some pain reliever before bed. I drop him off this morning, and about an hour later the daycare is calling saying that he's doing the crying and holding again. I call his doctor, and luckily they could get him in about 20 minutes after I called. So I haul ass from work, grab him, and haul ass clear across town to the doctor. They weren't able to get a urine sample, but put him on antibiotics. Also the doctor is sending in a referral to a pediatric surgeon to have him circumcised. Oh joy! More fighting with his BM to get him a surgery that he needs. I wish the state could just sign off on these things. It would make everyone's life easier. I tried to call his social worker to give her a heads up, but I figured this close to a holiday she wouldn't be in the office. So I'll just wait until I hear from the surgeon's office to call her back and start the festivities.

Visit

2010-05-26T21:44:00.003-05:00

I had another visit with the perinatologist today, and Rob went with me. This was the fastest visit so far. We didn't have to wait too long to be seen which was great. We had a nice long ultrasound, and got to see our little girl again. They checked her out very thoroughly. Her placenta looks great which puts me at ease. By this point when I was pregnant with Madison, her placenta had started to die in several places. Baby girl's due date is September 22. I have no clue where my OB got this date from. I think he looked up the wrong date when I first came in, and I didn't realize it until weeks later. Now he won't change it. My correct due date should be September 16. Baby girl is measuring almost 2 weeks ahead at this point. They are estimating her weight to be 1 pound 14 ounces! My blood pressure is still decent, and since I'm on the lowest dosage we still have room to increase medication if need be. I'm counting down the days until I reach my 3rd trimester which is my next goal.

All of our floors have been fixed so now I can get back to fixing up the house, and working on the nursery. We finished up Fuzzy's big boy room on Sunday, and he loves his new sports theme. I'm not sure when I last gave an update on Fuzzy's status, but we are still in a waiting game. The judge gave BM another 3 month extension before she will consider changing the case plan like the agency recommended. So we will go back to court in August. Actually Rob will go back to court because I can't travel outside the city anymore per my doctor. :( I was so hoping to be taking steps toward adoption by now.

Madison

2010-05-13T21:23:00.002-05:00

Today marked 4 years since our daughter, Madison, was born. I still miss her everyday. I think about what she would be doing right now, and what she would look like. I still ache to hold her in my arms, and kiss her goodnight. I always thought that things would get easier with time, but actually things just change. This was the first year we've worked on her birthday. I did pretty good, and only cried a couple of times. I kept myself busy all day. Rob's mom picked Fuzzy up for us so we could have some time alone this evening. We took some sunflowers out to the cemetery, and spent some time there. Then we went for a nice meal. I can imagine that Madison would have been right there with us eating sushi with a big grin on her face. It's hard to believe that it's been 4 years...Happy Birthday my darling little angel.

I did not die young,
I lived the span of my life within your body,
And within your love.
If you would honor me,
Then speak my name and number me amongst your family.
If you would honor me,
Then strive to live in love,
For in that love I live.
Never ever doubt that we will meet again,
And until that day I will grow in Heaven and wait for you.

My Scare

2010-05-04T20:05:00.003-05:00

I spent most of yesterday in pain. I woke up at 3 AM with a horrible headache. My head was throbbing so hard that it was hard to focus on anything. I couldn't keep any food or liquid down even after taking my nausea meds. I tried to work, but after running out 4 times in 2 hours to vomit, I had to leave. I kept checking my blood pressure to make sure that it wasn't elevated, and it was not. I ended up spending most of the day sleeping on the couch. Finally about 8 that night I was able to eat a grilled cheese sandwich and drink some apple juice before bed, and keep it down. Thank goodness that I woke up this morning, and felt much better.

I had a prenatal visit today, and doc thinks I had a virus. I'm just happy that it wasn't something worse. Because as soon as I had a headache that wouldn't go away with tylenol I was worried that the preeclampsia was setting in. But my blood pressure has been good, and I will see my doc again in 2 weeks to make sure things are still good.

I got an awesome deal on the crib bedding so I had to go ahead, and buy it. I got it brand new for $58 plus shipping instead of the $130-150 I've seen it elsewhere. Even though people keep saying that I'm not leaving anything for people to buy me. I think I have plenty on my baby registries, and I'm not going to miss a huge sale on the hopes that someone will buy it for me in the future. So here's a picture of our little princess' bedding.

Walking by Faith

2010-04-28T21:03:00.003-05:00

This pregnancy I have been handling things a lot differently than I expected to, and even differently than I did when I was pregnant with Maddie. I expected to be paralyzed with fear the entire time, but I'm not. I've put everything into God's hands, and I have faith that he will bring us both through this safely. I've picked out her bedding, and I've ordered some furniture for her room. I'm working on the decorations also. Each day is a triumph and I will give God all the glory for this blessing. I look forward to the day that I will hold my daughter, and not have to let her go.

Walk By Faith - Jeremy Camp

Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to RID my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With the one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, ya

well i will walk by faith
even when i cannot see
because this broken road
prepares your will for me

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace

We're having a ....

2010-04-24T21:40:00.003-05:00

We had our gender ultrasound this past week, and God has blessed me with another daughter. I was beyond thrilled when the tech confirmed what I had been hoping the whole time. She was so hyper that the tech had a problem getting some of the measurements that she wanted to get so I will have another ultrasound probably in a few weeks. But she was able to measure and confirm the big things so that's great. Little girl is measuring almost 2 weeks ahead of the due date that my OB has down for me, and she's been this way since the beginning. OB won't change it because I will most likely deliver early. He would rather have a 8 pound "preemie" rather than move up my date and deliver the baby even earlier for no reason. I'm hoping that I can make it to 36 weeks, and my scheduled section date rather than have another emergency situation. I'm not worried about them not getting the measurements this time because I know that I've been getting very detailed ultrasounds from my high risk doctor, and I'll be back there this week for my 4 week appointment.

So now I'm back to shopping and researching, but now I can look at specific colors. I've started coming up with ideas for the nursery while working on Fuzzy's big boy room that he will move into in the next few weeks. Rob has the other bedroom painted and we're just waiting to get the floors installed so we can put the furniture where it needs to go. I'm hoping for an easy transition from the crib to the toddler bed. Keep your fingers crossed!

I've been feeling my little girl more and more the past 2 weeks which is wonderful. I'm slowly closing in on my next goal which is 24 weeks. I'm thankful that my OB is watching me very closely because I'm getting close to when things started going downhill the last time. So once I'm to 24 weeks my goals will become weekly. Each week that passes is getting me closer and closer to bringing home a healthy baby girl this summer.

I know I haven't been good about posting pics on here so here are a couple from last week. :)

Comments

2010-04-10T16:43:00.003-05:00

I know I'm behind responding to some comments that people left me when I was so upset and confused a couple of weeks ago. I didn't mean to ignore anyone, and I appreciate people's suggestions. You never know who will have the answer that you've been looking for. Jill, I'm not taking any type of injections at this time. My perinatologist put me on 65 mg of procardia once a day and a baby aspirin for my blood pressure and hopefully preclampsia prevention or at least delaying its onset as long as possible. I'm also on a low dose of glyburide for my diabetes. The last week I have been having wonderful blood pressure readings with no increase in medicines which is different than with my first pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Madison and my blood pressures when up the only thing that would lower them at all was more medicine. My medicine was being increased constantly, but it would only work for a little while. I'm praying that things remain good. My next goal is to make it past 24 weeks. And then on to the 3rd trimester.

Babs, I'll get in contact with you off the blog. Thanks for your help.

Our next chance to get a look at the baby's gender will be on the 19th. It seems like forever away, but I've got plenty on my plate at work to keep me busy and hopefully make the time pass quickly. Rob thinks we're having a boy because of the fact that the baby seems to have a bigger, more pronounced skull compared to Madison when she was several weeks older than this baby. Also this one is much more active and kickier. I'm still hoping and praying for a little girl. I've got a son to raise, and I would love to have that daughter to raise to.

Things are still up in the air about the house. The insurance adjuster was supposed to come by last Wednesday, but didn't show. He finally called and said he was him and his family was sick, and he should be by Monday afternoon. Hopefully we will be able to recoup some of of our lost money and move forward to getting our home back to a state of normalcy soon.

Home Again

2010-04-05T21:47:00.004-05:00

Well, we are back in the house again after a week of living in a hotel and spending up money that we needed for other things. The company that was hired to dry the place out finished up Friday, but things were in horrible condition. We have no flooring left except for our tiny kitchen, laundry room, and computer room. The house was and is dirty as hell. It doesn't matter how many times I sweep I turn around and there's dirt and crap on the floor again. We ended up spending another couple of hundred dollars to have a clean out drain put in after arguing with the water company for a day. We were planning on having one put in, in the future for convenience of clearing drain clogs that may occur. But when the water company said that we had to put one in just because they wanted to use their own camera to see where the pipe problem was instead of using our plumber's camera, I was not taking that crap laying down. After a few loud conversations on the phone with the water company (and mentioning that we have an attorney), they agreed to use the plumber's camera. The sucking thing was that the plumber's camera could not get to where we needed to prove where the problem was. So unless we wanted to take the chance that we would be wrong and we would have to pay to have the street dug up to prove where the problem was we had to have the clean-out drain installed.

Today the water co came back out, and found the problem is actually still on our property. At this point I'm fine with this because I can finally see a light at the end of this horrible time. The insurance adjuster will come by Wednesday, and hopefully we can get to ordering our new flooring soon.

Another problem we discovered when we came home was that the dishwasher was no longer draining, and smelled like several dead bodies when we opened it after being gone for a week. The garbage disposal had died on us a few weeks ago, and now it was keeping the dishwasher from draining. Thank God that the plumber that's been helping us told Rob somethings to try before he came out that saved us some $$. Now the garbage disposal and the dishwasher are working again.

Well, I'm no longer on bed rest and my blood pressure is better. It's not as low as we would like, but it's borderline for now. I'm keeping track of my readings, and praying that my body doesn't give out on us again like last time. I had a follow-up visit today, and got another ultrasound. The baby is doing great, and kicking up a storm. We still haven't been able to determine the gender yet, but we have another ultrasound scheduled for 2 weeks from now. I'm praying that our little one will cooperate and show us the goods.

2010-03-29T21:57:00.002-05:00

I feel like my life has fallen apart. Sunday, I woke up with a horrible headache and my blood pressure was sky high. I ended up staying at home from church because of that and all the puking I was doing non-stop. Rob comes home on his way to take Fuzzy to the circus, and he finds most of the house under an inch of water. While I was asleep in the 2 hours he was gone our front bathroom toilet decided to overflow and overflow and overflow. Now we are stuck in a hotel for probably a week with a very bitchy toddler that doesn't do good at all in hotels. The cry-it-out technique that we have to use on him sometimes does not work in a hotel. Our house has been completely torn up, all the flooring is gone, and there are huge fans everywhere. I'm in tears because I just want things back to the way they should be. I just want to be in my own home.

On top of all that my doctor put me on bedrest because of my elevated blood pressure. I'm terrified of getting fired because of all my health problems, and all the unpaid leave I've had to take over the past year. What the hell will I do if I lose my job? How the hell can I rest with all of this weighing down on me. Why is nothing simple for me ever? I'm so tired of living under a storm cloud all the time. The only good thing that has happened to me in the past few weeks was hearing the baby's good strong heartbeat today.

Moving Forward

2010-03-14T17:04:00.003-05:00

Things have been going better the last week or so. I've been only getting sick first thing in the morning, and I have been going to work everyday. I have more energy now, but I still get tired fairly easy. I went to see a dietitian last week, and found it very helpful. I had no idea that I was not eating enough carbs at most of my meals, and that I needed to eat more snacks to keep my blood sugar levels stable. I was too excited to find out that I could actually go to KFC and get a small mashed potatoes and gravy, 2 pieces of chicken, and green beans and my blood sugar would be just fine when I tested 2 hours later! WooHoo for mashed potatoes!!!!

We had a doctor's appointment this past Friday that Rob finally got to attend. My doc did another one of those fun up the hooha ultrasounds, and the baby is still measuring a week ahead of their due date. Baby was asleep this time unlike the other ultrasounds where we usually get dancing and jumping shows. It was nice that Rob finally got to see the baby instead of just seeing pictures. I'm excited that my blood pressure and blood sugars are doing good, and I don't have to go back to my OB for 4 weeks! Yippee! I had been going to the doctor every 2 weeks and sometimes more than that. One good thing is that I have a lot of ultrasound pictures to show the baby's progression.

I'm so ready to know the gender so bad. I'm hoping to have that scan when I hit 17 weeks which will be right after Easter. And yes, I am hoping and praying for a healthy baby but I am a member of Team Pink until I see a winkie to prove otherwise.

Time

2010-03-04T20:59:00.002-06:00

Everyone keeps talking about how fast time is flying. How it seems like it was just Christmas and now it's March. I on the other hand feel like time is moving very slowly. Everyday drags on and on. Robert said it feels like I've been pregnant forever, and I have to agree. I'm hoping once I'm way into my 2nd trimester and I can feel the baby kicking I will be able to enjoy things more.

11 Weeks

2010-03-02T13:05:00.000-06:00

Zombie Mommy

2010-02-24T21:35:00.002-06:00

I have been down and out for the past 2 weeks. I ended up being hospitalized for several days for dehydration after I couldn't even keep any liquids down for almost a week. I was so thankful to go to the hospital because I was freaking starving to death. It took 8 bags of IV fluids before I was hydrated enough to have to go to the bathroom! Today I am doing much better, and pray that I stay this way. I still get sick, but not nearly as much. I plan on going to work for a little while tomorrow afternoon to ease my way back into things since I've been at home for almost 2 weeks.

Today I had my first appointment with the perinatologist, and it went well. He changed all my meds and put me on a baby aspirin also. I got a really good ultrasound today and got to see my little one doing all kinds of wiggling and waving. I will go back there in 6 weeks.

We had our foster parents recertification visit today also, and it went well. We've also gotten some positive news on Fuzzy's case so we're just going to keep praying that things go well. Well, it's bedtime for me so nite nite.

Very Sick

2010-02-14T22:46:00.003-06:00

L moved in with her aunt a week ago, and Fuzzy has been acting out the past few days. I'm not 100% sure that this is the reason, but his behavior has been so different than he usually is, and more like L. I know this is just a phase and I will be glad when it's passed. I am sick as a dog. My insurance won't pay for anymore Zofran so I have been up shit creek for the past few days. My doctor has put me on Reglan four times a day, but I still stay sick all day and night. I couldn't work on Friday, and I have spend most of this weekend in bed. My school work is so behind that I'll probably have to take an incomplete in one of my classes. I am so ready for school to be over because it's just another thing that demanding energy from me that I don't have. I'm praying that I get better soon so that I can at least go back to work and do more than talk to my son from my bed or the couch. I hate to complain so much because I am very happy and blessed to be pregnant, but damn does it always have to be so hard. Can I please catch a break sometimes?

Updating

2010-02-06T21:34:00.003-06:00

Things are going good with my pregnancy. I had my first visit with my doctor this week, and also had my first ultrasound. I saw our little one's heartbeat, and the baby is measuring bigger than I expected. So my due date was changed to Sept. 14 from September 20. I have to continue monitoring my blood pressure, and also start monitoring my blood sugar 4 times a day. I will start seeing the perinatologist or high risk specialist around 14 weeks. This past week I have been having a problem keeping my blood sugar levels down, but my doctor thinks it's because I've been battling some congestion. So I'm taking a z-pack right now, and praying this finally kills off this nasty crud I've had. Also I'm in zofran for my nausea just like I was when I was pregnant with Madison. It's been a lifesaver!

Other news from the home front, L will be leaving our home on Monday. She will be moving with her older siblings to live with their aunt. We're all happy that this is finally happening, and we can work on bringing our home back to a normal environment (well as normal as a foster family can be). I wish her and her family the best.

Closing Time

2010-01-26T06:27:00.000-06:00

I am beyond fed up with L. If it's not one thing with her, it's another. Now her thing is destroying her room at night after we go to bed. We put her to bed around 8, and we go to bed about 10. We go to her room in the morning to find it looks like a disaster area. She's pulled all the diapers off the shelf and tore up the sticky tape on them. She took all of the wipes out of the case one by one. She pulls all her clothes out of the closet and the dresser, and off of the hanging shelves. The dirty laundry is in bed with her, and basically everything she can reach has been turned over. We made her help us clean up last night, and explained to her again that this is not something you do. Only to find the same thing this morning. I'm done. I freaking refuse to spend my time cleaning her room again. When I clean it again it will be to pack her stuff so she can move. We just can't get through to her, and at this point I don't need her stressing me out. I'm not even sure I'm going to call her current social worker since she doesn't seem to care what she does. Her response to everything she is told is "Oh." I wish L's old case worker would come back from medical leave because this new one is a waste of space. She's coming by Friday afternoon for a monthly visit so she can see the crap that L does for herself. I'm not sure what the hold up is now with the aunt taking custody of the kids, but it needs to hurry up.

30

2010-01-24T10:53:00.002-06:00

Today is my 30th birthday. I'm full on in the throws of all day sickness, but I'm happy and blessed to be pregnant right now. So since I can't even fathom eating cake right now or much else. I will post my virtual birthday cake here.

Big News!

2010-01-22T05:06:00.000-06:00

Ok, now I feel like I can post this here since everyone in my outside the computer life who needs to know already knows. I would hate for my boss to find out here before I told her myself.

We have been blessed again!

I am beyond happy. Per online calculations I am due September 20. My first doctor visit will be Feb. 1. I've been in contact several times with my doctor, and we have my meds changed, and my blood pressure is doing good. I am already experiencing all day sickness...oh joy! ( I complain about it, but I know I would be paranoid as all get out if I didn't have any symptoms.) I am exhausted, and that mixes perfectly with school. I will finish this term, and then most likely take off until after the baby is born. I'm working on getting everything prepared in case I have to take an extended medical leave. But I'm hoping and praying that I will be able to work to at least 30+ weeks. Please keep me and my little bean in your prayers. I know we have a long road ahead of us.

Transitions

2010-01-14T21:00:00.002-06:00

A lot has changed since I last posted. The day I emailed L's social worker to let her know that we needed her moved to a new home, and that we would give them a month to find her a new placement. She called to tell me that they had staffed the case the day before, and L's aunt has been granted a conditional placement for L and her 2 older siblings. So in about the next 2 weeks, L will be moving back into a home with her siblings which is what we really wanted for her. I just hope that her issues don't get ignored since she will be living with 8 other kids. She really needs to be tested for mental illness and/or autism, and we were in the process of getting that set up.

We had a nice trip to TX, and enjoyed spending time with family. Avianna is so smart, and so cute! It's wonderful to hear her talk, and see her crawling all over the place. I know she will be walking soon. It just doesn't seem like it's been a year.

I'm enjoying a lovely cold right now also. I thought it was just my sinuses draining, but it has now progressed into a full blown, hacking up nasty stuff, sneezing, and coughing time. The stopped us nose did allow me to change to very stinky diapers tonight, and not smell a thing! :)

I'm back

2010-01-07T18:08:00.004-06:00

I've been busy, busy, busy the past few weeks with the holidays and the kids. We had a nice Christmas with Fuzzy. It was a long day because our plans kept being changed at the last minute by my mother-in-law. We were supposed to have lunch over here at noon, but after several time changes we ended up having dinner at their house at 5. Needless to say I was kind of cranky. But all in all we were thankful to have our son for another Christmas, and that's all that really mattered. Fuzzy got a good amount of toys like a push and ride trike, several elmo toys, and a basket ball hoop. But I swear that his favorite toy has been the $6 set of wooden blocks. He has played and played with them.

L was with her family for Christmas, but came back that weekend. So we saved some of Fuzzy's gifts for him to open when she opened her gifts. I was hoping to avoid the usual fighting by doing this, but no luck. L still tried to take everything that was her's and his. In the days following L's return she progressed into some of the longest, loudest, and worst fits she has ever had. New Year's day she screamed, cried, kicked, and flailed her body for 3 hours straight. She stopped long enough for us to go to some friends' house for lunch. But as soon as we hit our driveway she started up again. By the end of the weekend, Rob and I both decided that it was time to call her CW to see about having her moved to a new home. I'm not sure if we're making things worse by treating her like a normal 2 year old. We're still waiting to have her tested for autism and mental illness. I completed the initial eval right before Christmas, and we're just waiting for the approvals to come through.

I talked to the CW that is filling in for L's worker while she's on leave, and I talked to our home development worker about what is going on with L. At this time there are no homes to move her too so right now we have to decide how much more of this we can take. We have to call the CW back to let her know how long we will give them to find her a new placement. I'm just so torn about the whole thing. On one hand I feel like we have done everything we know to do, and her "fits" are starting to effect Fuzzy. But I keep thinking that if we hold on a while longer we could at least find out what her problem is so that she could start getting so help. I just don't know...

On a happier note we are getting ready to go to TX for my niece's 1st birthday this weekend. I can't believe it's already been a year. I seems like yesterday we were in the hospital waiting on her arrival. I'm hoping we can have a fun, stress-free weekend because it's been a while since we've had one of those.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T17:30:00.002-06:00

I'm getting ready to head to church for Christmas eve service. I ran across this a few minutes ago and wanted to share it. It's been a while since I've seen this myself. I hope everyone has a wonderful and joyous Christmas. Love ya'll!

2009-12-22T12:30:00.000-06:00

I think Christmas will always hold a special extra meaning to me for as long as I live. It was the day I found out I was going to be a mama back in 2005. So as much as I love the holiday, it still hurts. We went to a toy store this weekend, and I couldn't keep myself from looking at the pink Escalade powerwheel and imagining Maddie riding in it. I could just see her on Christmas morning chasing the dogs in her new car. She would be doing so much stuff right now. This would be the Christmas that she would start to understand what was going on around her. I wonder if it will ever get any easier or will I always tear up when I think of what she would be doing. I try to remind myself that she doesn't get just one day of Christmas. It's Christmas all the time for her.

Taking a Break

2009-12-19T10:39:00.003-06:00

I turned in my 2 final papers for school yesterday evening, and I could feel myself being lighter and happier instantly. I am so happy to be done with this session, and I will enjoy the month break until my next set of classes. I have learned that this university is no joke. This is not the University of Phoe*nix this is a real graduate program, and I have to work my butt off starting from the beginning. I am looking forward to my next class because this will be the first theology class I've ever taken. I know the kids will be happy to have all of my attention back now, and Rob will enjoy not being a single parent of 2 toddlers. I'm LOLing right now because Fuzzy just came up to me and started rolling his dump truck up my butt! My house is a wreck right now so I will be cleaning and finally putting up our tree this weekend. Also I have a bunch of shopping to do because I have not had a chance to get much done the last few weeks. I am happy that I have all my big stuff ordered and on it's way to me or it's recipient (I hope Avi loves her gift!).

Well, there have been no changes since I last posted except Fuzzy's CW mentioned that his BM may be moving to my town. Ughhhhh! L will be spending Christmas here since the family visit has been canceled. I'm glad because I don't want to deal with her regression and attitude again after she spends a week with her family and then has to come back here.

I plan to post more the next few weeks so I guess I'll get to work on my house now, and TTYL!

Party Mayhem

2009-12-11T22:24:00.002-06:00

We went to a Christmas party/dinner for our church band tonight. I am thanking God that I am at home now on my couch in my comfy pjs and the 2 bad ass kids are in bed. I will not...let me repeat...I will never take those 2 kids to another party that is not a child's birthday party ever , ever, ever again. I think we were there 5 minutes when L started in with her screaming and crying because I asked her to go back in the living room because the kitchen is not a playroom. I promptly took her outside, squatted down to her level, and talked calmly to her. Yeah, and that worked out so well...whatever. So after a few minutes of this not working I asked her did she want to play with the dog. That shut her up quick.

Then we had dinner. L ate all her food rather quickly, and I know it's just because someone else fixed her plate. If I had fixed it she would eat like she usually does at home, either it would take forever or she would eat. Then Fuzzy decided that he was hungry but didn't want to put in the effort to eat for himself. So I had to sit next to him the whole time feeding him. I barely got to eat for myself. Once we gave up on him eating, he roamed around playing. He kept getting a hold of things that he shouldn't and throwing horrible fits anytime someone told him no. I was ready to go long before I normally would have wanted to leave just to get them both home and in bed. Another thing is that people don't listen and don't remember that we don't want L staying in people's laps and being carried around like a baby. We're trying to break her of that dependence on people especially the need to run to and hold on to strangers. She does a lot of inappropriate things that we have been trying to work on.

We got home and I put Fuzzy to bed with no problem. L fought and cried and screamed for sometime until I finally gave up and just left her in the room screaming. She stopped a few minutes later. These fits of hers drive me crazy. I just have to walk away. I just want to scream because they make no sense at all.

I have learned that the next time someone invites us over I have to drop the kids at the grandparents or get a babysitter if I want to enjoy myself.

Cute Video with a Meaning

2009-12-09T09:58:00.000-06:00

Update

2009-12-09T05:59:00.000-06:00

We got to the court about 1:15. BM showed up shortly after that, and tried to hold Fuzzy. He was not having it. He kicked and squirmed and cried so she gave him back. He wouldn't even touch or look at her. She tried a few more times to get him to sit with her, but he pitched a fit each time. When we got in the courtroom, the judge asked us to let her hold him. We tried to hand him to her, but she said no he's better off over there. I'm kind of glad because he would have pitched a fit, and the judge may have decided that he needed more visits because he's not bonding with her.

No change. The social worker did what she said she would after her district supervisor told her to not change the case plan and they recommended that the case goal remain as reunification. The judge still thinks that the BM has made "so much progress" which is a load of bull. So we will continue supervised visits in the office, and go back to court again in March. At least we will have our little man for Christmas. I keep praying for strength because this process is so hard. I will never do this again.

Pictures

2009-12-07T21:11:00.007-06:00

I just realized that I haven't posted any pictures of the kids in a while. So here's some from the last month. Most of these were taken the weekend we thought they were going to take Fuzzy away from us. One of these days I will get a new picture of L that I can post. Everytime I pull out the camera she will stare at me the whole time. She never looks away!

Court

2009-12-07T20:16:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow we go back to court at 1:30 PM. I got a call from the CW asking me to bring Fuzzy so he can visit with his BM. WTF? I've seen other foster parents bring the kids to court, but it doesn't make any sense to me. What kind of visit can you have in a court room waiting for a case to be called? Also I refuse to stay any longer than I have to for the case. I'm using my time off for her to visit. Her scheduled visits are Monday and Wednesday not Tuesday. They canceled his visit today without telling me. It would have been a simple courtesy to tell me so I wouldn't spend time in my busy morning getting his diaper bad ready for a visit. But no that's too much to ask for. I'm supposed to bend over backwards to make things as easy as possible for them, but eff me.

We're praying that the judge will intercede in this stupidity and wishy washy social worker game. I'll update here hopefully tomorrow night. Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes.

I'm less than 2 weeks from the end of my first term in school working on my graduate degree. Currently I'm in Human Services with a concentration in Executive Leadership. I know that I want to get into a field where I can help people, and make a difference. I've been thinking and toying with the idea of changing to become marriage and family therapist. But I don't know. The field I'm in now has several different concentrations that range from business to marriage and family to end of life care. I just don't know. My main problem is that I need to decide between staying with human services or moving to counseling since they have different classes. This has been a hard term since it's my first one after being out of school for years plus having to work full time and take care of the kids and the house. I'm taking off a day next week to spend the whole day reading and catching up on my final papers that are due on the 18th. I've got all A's right now and I want to keep them!

I'm Still Here

2009-11-29T21:36:00.003-06:00

I haven't posted in a while because I just haven't felt like talking. Fuzzy's CW called last week to say that they (her, her supervisor, and the district supervisor) discussed the case and now they are not going to recommend changing the case plan to adoption. So basically they think that what BM is doing is still not a big deal, and she should get even more time. We're praying that the judge will see things differently and change the case plan. But all we can do is pray and trust that God will take care of Fuzzy and us.

We had a nice Thanksgiving. My brother and his family were here so we got to spend some time with them. My niece has gotten so big since I last saw her, and she's crawling around so well. She kept giving me these huge grins. It was fun to watch Fuzzy playing on the floor with her.

We did some black Friday shopping, but we didn't go out until later in the morning to avoid the craziness. Saturday was spent at home most of the day until we went to dinner with some family. Today I woke up with a horrible migraine and congestion. I could barely see straight. I managed to go up to the church to get the computer ready for the 2 church services before I came home and crashed for several hours. I'm still not feeling too hot, but I'm forcing myself to stay out of bed at least for a few hours before bed.

L came back from her extended family visit. She's been acting up, but I know it's because she's upset about having to leave her siblings again. There's no way to really explain to a 2 year old that she's just going for a visit. We cut her a lot of slack. But we also can't let her just run wild and get away with breaking all our rules because she's been away.

Praise Report

2009-11-17T17:24:00.005-06:00

We went to court today, and Fuzzy is still with us! The case was called and the judge ordered BM to take another drug test, and said that if it's a good test then she would have something positive to tell her. Well, she left with the bailiff to take a test. We sat and waited for 30 minutes before she came back. Then about 20 minutes later the CW came out and pulled us aside. She said that we must have had a lot of people praying for us. The test was not good so we will go back to court in December. They will send the test off to another lab to confirm the results. And in December they will be recommending the case plan be changed to Adoption. My heart just about leaped from my chest when I heard that. God is so good. Robert and I were both prepared to go into this hearing with guns blazing with our attorney, and put everything on the line. But something kept eating at me about doing this. I prayed about it and felt led to not go that route. I felt like we were trying to make our own way and not following God's way. Then we got our horrible news this past week, and started praying. I prayed and prayed for God to give me the strength to follow his plan. I knew that nothing would happen to Fuzzy that was not already in God's plan. So for now we are celebrating that our son is home, safe and sound. We will continue to pray, and thank God for everything.

Thank you to everyone that has been thinking and praying for us. I love you all!

In the End

2009-11-13T22:53:00.002-06:00

Today we got the worst news possible. Fuzzy is going to leave us on Tuesday. His case worker, her supervisor, and the district supervior met earlier this week and decided that he has been in care too long. And his Bm hasn't done anything to him yet that would let the state terminate her rights. The fact that she puts him in danger all the time doesn't matter. He has to actually be physically hurt. The system is broken, and there isn't anything we can do to fix it. So they have moved court up from Dec. 6 to Nov. 17. They are recommending to the judge that he be returned immediately. No one cares about all of the evidence of her not taking care of him and riding him around on the interstate sitting in her lap. No one cares! I managed to hold myself together while his caseworker was here. I did tell her that I pray nothing happens to him. But if it does it's on her head. Rob and I took off this afternoon, and spent the day in the park just letting him play. We took lots of video and pictures. Tomorrow we're scheduled to take family portraits...our last pictures with our son. I'm trying to remember that this is all according to God's plan, and nothing will happen to him that God has not intended. But it still hurts so much. In 3 days, my son will be taken away from the only home he's ever known, and dropped into a horrible, horrible place. I pray he will overcome, and make something of himself.

2009-11-09T13:50:00.003-06:00

I'm not even sure why I pulled up the website, but something lead me to do it. I started looking at the available children again on the state foster care websites. On there I found an adorable 10 year old little girl. Her little write-up sounds great. She's doing good in school, doesn't have any medical issues or emotional issues that we know of, she loves Dis*ney and H*annah Mon*tana. I wanted to know more about her and find out where in the state she's living right now. I don't know if this will lead to adoption at this point, but you never know. I contacted my licensing worker, and she's getting in touch with the case worker for this child so we can talk with her. I'll keep you posted on what happens.

Hidden Gems

2009-11-09T10:31:00.002-06:00

My sister-in-law sent me this email today, and I wanted to share it with ya'll. It's so true and something that I will have to keep reminding myself of especially if things don't turn out well for Fuzzy and us.

Hidden Gems

Sometimes we have an experience that we don’t understand, but if we look deeply, or wait long enough, a reason for that experience will usually reveal itself. All the events in our lives lead to other events, and all that we have manifested in this present moment is the result of past events and experiences. We cannot easily tease apart the many threads that have been woven together to create our current reality. Experiences that don’t make sense, as well as any that we regret, are just as responsible for the good things in our lives as the experiences we do understand or label as "good."

This is especially important to remember at times when we feel directionless or unsure of what to do. It is often at times like these that we take a job or move to a place without really knowing if it’s the right thing to do. We may ultimately end up leaving the job or the place, but often during that time we will have met someone who becomes an important friend, or we may have an experience that changes us in a profound way. When all the pieces of our life don’t quite make sense, we can remember that there may be some hidden gem of a reason that we are where we are having the experiences we are having.

It’s fun to look back on past experiences with an eye to uncovering those gems - the dreadful temporary job in a bland office building that introduced you to the love of your life; the roommate you couldn’t tolerate who gave you a book that changed your life; the time spent living in a city you didn’t like that led you into a deeper relationship with yourself. Remembering these past experiences can restore our faith in the present. Life is full of buried treasures. Chances are, you’re sitting on some right now.

Low Standards

2009-11-07T01:57:00.002-06:00

It's 2 AM and my son is coughing and hacking in his sleep. We can't get and keep him well, because we have to keep sending him to spend time with that idiot. No matter how many times you tell her that he can't be around smoke, she doesn't care. It pisses me off to no end that some people are held to such low standards that most people wouldn't even consider them parents or even a free teenage babysitter just because they gave birth. She makes him sick. She puts in him a lot of danger every time he's with her, but it's ok because she gave birth to him. I would die for him, but it doesn't matter because I didn't give birth to him. It's ok for her to ride him around in her lap in a little smoke filled pick-up truck. It's ok for her to feed him so many whole grapes that he's pooped whole grapes for 2 days. It's ok for her to let him sit around and marinate in a dirty diaper to the point where his private is red and irritated. I guess the judge will only see a problem is what she does lands him in the hospital, and even then she may just ignore it like everything else.

Next week, Fuzzy will be gone for 4 days, 4 whole days. God help me and God protect him.

2009-11-02T20:05:00.002-06:00

My little boy is gone again tonight, and will be gone tomorrow night. I hate this. I feel so lost without him here. I should be able to get a bunch done on my homework, but I can't because I keep thinking about him. Everything here reminds me of him. His little shoe was in the middle of the floor where he walked out of it last night. His favorite stuffed frog was where he dropped it this morning when we left for daycare this morning. I'm trying to keep my faith that things will work out for our family, but I can't help think that we will walk in court next month and they will snatch him out of our lives forever.

Hallweenie

2009-11-01T21:26:00.006-06:00

We survived Halloween, and I'm glad it's over. Our church always has a huge Trick R Trunk on Halloween, and the band played this year. This meant that Rob and I would be busy with the band, and not have enough time to watch both of the kids. Thank God Robert's mom was able to come and keep up with the kids. We had a great time, and there were 1,200 people that came to the event which is the best turn out ever. By the time we got home we were all exhausted. I was in bed about 10:30, and very happy that the time changed last night. Thank you for the extra hour of sleep! Here are shots of the kids in their costumes and our costumes. Fuzzy the Dragon and L the Ladybug

Robert dressed as Shikamaru from Naruto (minus the black hair)

Me dressed as Temari from Naruto (minus the blond wig. I tried, but it just looked a fool.)

Putting on a face

2009-10-29T11:20:00.002-05:00

It's odd and interesting to me how some days the littlest thing reminds me of Madison. Sometimes it's happy thoughts and sometimes they make me cry. Today I'm going to the 1st baby shower that wasn't a close family member (mainly my brother) in 3 years. I have avoided showers like the plague. Events like these open up wounds that are barely healed. I wasn't even completely happy during the little diaper shower my co-workers surprised me with when we got placed with Fuzzy. I dream of having a real shower, and sitting in front of everyone with a huge baby-filled belly. I'm not even sure why I'm participating. I think it's because someone blindsided me 2 weeks ago and asked me to come. I didn't want to tell the person no, and I most definitely didn't want to explain why I don't do showers. I'm tired of the looks of pity people give me. So I lie and put on a big smile, and I will walk my gift over to the shower. Thank Goodness the shower is for a guy that works here, and his pregnant wife won't be here. Also I have to leave early anyway to take Fuzzy to his post-op appointment to make sure all is well in his ears.

Enough

2009-10-26T10:09:00.003-05:00

When is enough really enough? I'm so fucking tired of my life and my heart being shit on and torn apart constantly. I don't think I've asked for too much. I just want to be a mother to a living child that's all mine. I don't want to be a dog of the state anymore. I don't want to feel inadequate anymore because the jobs that my husband and I work don't allow us to afford to sign up with a private adoption agency and adopt a newborn, sign the papers, and walk away as that child's legal parents in a matter of months if even that long. Unless we win the lottery, we will be 40 years old by the time we save up $15,000 or more to pay for an adoption. And hey the $15,000 is a reduced rate because we want to adopt a bi-racial or black baby! We could choose to only save $10,000 and try IVF, but with my body that's a huge gamble.

I pray all the time that God intercedes for Fuzzy, and let's him stay with us forever. I pray that he won't get lost in the system and shipped to a home where he will probably become another poverty statistic. I don't want my son taken from me just because I didn't give birth to him, and sent to someone that can't raise him to be a strong man and an asset to society. But so far all we've seen is a bunch of people that don't truly care about him. They say they do, but they don't. They just want reunification at all costs.

Today we were blindsided. We were told last week that he would be going for an hour visit today. But after we dropped him off at daycare his CW calls and says that they are taking him for a 2 night visit, and he will be back Wednesday. She claims that she would have called Friday, but their phones in the office weren't working. That's a load of shit! If she wanted us to know in advance, then she would have called us from her cell phone. I think they want us to mess up so they can use it against us in court in December. They want to pick him up for a overnight and he not have his medicines. But thank God, Robert was at home so he could take the medicines to the daycare and get pictures of how he looks before they picked him up. So now we have to deal with this every week from now until the court date in December. Even though the CW hasn't told us, I know that the December court date will be our make or break hearing, and I'm going into ready to fight or die trying.

Success

2009-10-17T12:15:00.002-05:00

Friday we finally got Fuzzy the surgery that he's been needing for months. He had tubes put in, and is doing great. And if this keeps him from having ear infections and constantly having fluid in his ears, then all the time spent in doctor's offices and being pissed off at the BM for not showing up on time don't mean anything anymore. Right now he's taking a much needed nap next to me on the couch after being put in "time out" for the 3rd time for hitting L. We're planning on having a nice, boring weekend at home. As long as the rain stays away, we'll take the kids to the park this afternoon. After a long, rushed, stressful week a little time at home and outside in nature is just what everyone needs. I hope everyone has a nice weekend!

Back in the Swing of Things

2009-10-08T21:54:00.002-05:00

My 1st week back at work has been busy as hell. I knew I would have a ton of emails to read, but there are so many that need to be taken care of immediately and a bunch of them that are late. I've spent the last 2 days working on a huge filing, and thank God I finally got it wrapped up. But then I immediately dove into another huge one. Fun times!

I got a call from the ENT's office that will hopefully be doing Fuzzy's surgery next week. We have to get BM to come back to the office to sign all the paperwork again for some stupid reason. It would make too much sense for her consent to cover this type of surgery with this doctor. I don't even remember there being a specific date on the consent! Ughhhh. We also have to take him Monday to his pediatrician to get checked out and cleared for surgery. Even though we just took him to the pediatrician a couple of days ago and he was fine. Then we turn around the next day and take him to the ENT for a pre-op check-up. WTF? Why do we need to have the same check-up 2 days in a row? Sounds like a bunch of doctors milking the system for all it's worth for no reason. Thank God I was able to get the CW agree with me that Fuzzy didn't need any visits, especially overnight visits until after his surgery. But hopefully next Friday, Fuzzy will finally get his long awaited ear surgery.

L has been on one for a while. Last night she kept making herself gag by crying with her mouth wide open while holding all her saliva in her mouth (I'm not sure that explanation makes sense). While I was combing her hair after her bath, she threw up twice! She hates anything dealing with grooming from baths to hair combing. But these are things that I won't stop doing. I try my best to make it easier on her, but there's only so much you can do with a big head of kinky hair and a child that loves to get very, very dirty.

We're planning on taking the kiddos to take pictures Sunday afternoon. We haven't taken L to take professional pictures yet, and I just got Fuzzy a nice little suit and tie set. Crossing my fingers that they both behave and take some good pictures.

Me

2009-10-04T20:27:00.002-05:00

I'm going back to work in the morning after 3 weeks of medical leave. I'm ready and not ready at the same time. I know that I still have things to do around the house, but I know that I have a lot of work to take care of at the office. My blood pressure is doing great. I don't know if I'll be able to keep going to the chiropractor as much as I have been since I won't be able to just go anytime I want to anymore. I've been working on a schedule for me to help me make better use of my time. So my plans include going to bed as soon as possible after I get the kids down so I can get up earlier to exercise in the morning. I need to get back in a consistent exercise routine again. I am too effing fat right now. I hate the way I look now. I'm tired of depending on drugs to keep me healthy. Medicines will only do so much. I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm almost 300 pounds. I used to be a size 12, what the hell have I let happen to me? No wonder my cycles are so out of whack. No wonder it's been almost 4 years since I've had a pregnancy that didn't end in miscarriage. There's only so much stress I can eliminate from my life, but there are some things that I can make better. I've got a couple of weeks before I start classes to work on my Master's degree again. I'm planning on having another couple over this weekend for dinner. I've started voice lessons again. I love to sing and it's been a long time since I've done more than sing in the car. I need to fill my life and enriching activities instead of food and fears of what will happen with Fuzzy. So that's where I am right now.

2009-09-27T18:33:00.002-05:00

Still running 90 MPH everyday. I have only had 1 relaxing day so far, and I'm 2 weeks into my 3 week leave. Tomorrow, Fuzzy has to go for a 2 day overnight visit. In order to keep me sane, Rob and I are going on a short trip. I can't bear to be in the house without Fuzzy. At least if I'm not here, I will only worry about him 95% of the time he's gone. I've been talking with an attorney that's friends with my brother about whether or not we should obtain legal representation. My brother is worried about us getting a lawyer because one of his friends is a social worker in TX, and she says that she has seen foster parents dropped for getting a lawyer. The department looks at it as you are working against them instead of being part of their team. I just don't know. I don't want to go to court in December and the judge ignore us or evidence never make it into the case, and Fuzzy gets shipped home. I want us to do everything in our power to make sure that his interests and safety and happiness are preserved. But I don't want things to backfire on us either.

One good thing is that my new med is still working good. My blood pressure has been staying in a great range. The chiropractic sessions are going good too. I don't think that I will continue going 3 times a week for much longer, but we will see. My health insurance only pays for 20 visits...humph

Well, gotta go the kids are finishing up dinner and I still need to finish packing everyone up.

Sick people

2009-09-18T20:48:00.003-05:00

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted. A lot has happened and a lot hasn't happened. I'm on medical leave right now because of my blood pressure being sky high for the last few months. It finally started to take a real toll on me and start messing with my vision a couple of weeks ago. So I took some time to see my doctor and he was not pleased. My average readings over the past 3 months had been in the 200's/ 100's. My blood pressure should stay below 130/80. He wanted me to go on leave immediately, but I put it off another 2 weeks because there was just too much going on at work to walk out without any notice. So I will be trying to get myself together over the next few weeks.

I started seeing a chiropractor this week. I've read a lot of studies that show that if certain vertebrae are out of alignment or pressing on certain nerves it can cause your blood pressure to be higher than it should be. And yep, I have both of those issues. Who would have thunk it? So I've been popped, cracked, sqooshed, and pulled more than I ever wanted to be in my life this week, and I have a lot more to go.

My doctor finally has the time to switch my medicines from the ones that I was put on when I was pregnant. I'm glad because this means hopefully taking less medicine to control my blood pressure better. He was being cautious changing my meds because I might not respond well to getting off a medicine I've been on for over 3 years. So I needed to be resting and monitored closely.

We were supposed to have buttons put in Fuzzy's ears today, but Monday we found out he had bronchitis. This is after the BM actually showed up and signed the papers for his surgery. So now we're enjoying the 3 times a day nebulizers and lots of meds. Hopefully we will get him well soon so we can get him back on the schedule for the surgery he so desperately needs.

Last weekend, Rob's mother scared the crap out of us by saying she thought L had the mumps. L had complained on and off about the side of her lower jaw hurting and it was slightly swollen. I knew she was behind on her immunizations, but she has had the one for mumps. Rob took her to the after hours clinic and they ruled out mumps, strep, and mono...Thank God! She has some infection so she's on an antibiotic and a decongestant.

Oh yeah and on top of all this fun, my allergies have been acting a fool and Aunt Flow shows up 2 weeks early. Ain't life grand!

2009-09-07T16:27:00.002-05:00

This weekend has been very tiring and I'm thankful it's finally slowed down enough for me to just sit on the couch for a while while the kids play. Our A/C went out Friday which sucked! My buddy wasn't able to get out to the house until Sunday afternoon so it was hot as hell in here until then. He was able to patch it until we can get a new start-up capacitor. Hopefully it won't be too expensive. I've also been cleaning the house from top to bottom and doing tons and tons of laundry. The end of this process is in sight. Hallelujah!

L has been acting up a lot lately. She's got a nasty attitude toward both Rob and I. She's been rolling her eyes and refusing to do things. She's trying to boss Rob around by hitting and yelling at him. It took almost 2 hours to get her to eat her lunch today when I know that she was hungry and that it was food that she likes. If I say one word to her sometimes she starts screaming and crying. It doesn't matter what I say or how I say it. I thought things were getting better, but now it's back to me wondering if she needs to live with us or not.

Fuzzy is walking a lot better now, and actually walks more than crawls most days. Tomorrow afternoon we have a court hearing on his case. We're not expecting much to happen, but we will be there to testify if asked. Friday is L's next FTC so I will go to that one this time instead of Rob. Then the week after all of this, Fuzzy will be having tubes put in. His CW is going to ask the judge to give us permission to sign for his anesthesia because they feel like his BM will be a no show when she has to come sign the day of the surgery. She doesn't think he needs the surgery even though they have explained to her several times about his chronic ear infections and the possibility that he could lose his hearing. But she's thick headed and thinks that this is normal. It's not normal for a 1 year old to have had 9 ear infections! I'm praying that they get the order so that we can get him the surgery he needs without having to worry with her stupidity.

I'll keep ya'll posted on what's going on in my world. I hope everyone has a great Labor Day. TTYL!

4 Years

2009-09-04T06:38:00.003-05:00

I meant to post this yesterday, but I was so busy that I didn't get a chance. Yesterday, was our 4th wedding anniversary. We didn't do anything special, but we're hoping if time permits to take a little getaway at the end of the month. A nice romantic, trip for 2 to see Metallica in concert in Dallas and have some good food. Yep, that's our kind of romance- metal and sushi. I still can't believe that it's been 4 years since I was a new bride. Time really does fly. I wonder if I'll be saying the same thing 21 years from now?

One of my favorite songs was and still is our wedding song, Nothing Else Matters by Metallica. Back then it meant that nothing in the world meant more to us than our love for each other and our relationship. When Madison was born, it expanded to our love for her. Now it's evolved even more. I'm so blessed that I listened to my heart and not my head, and stepped outside of my comfort zone to fall in love with Robert. He's rather strange to most people, but to me he's everything that I never knew I wanted or needed. I love you, Rob!

Metallica Lyrics

2009-08-30T12:58:00.002-05:00

I can sum up me in one word: depressed. Nothing new has happened really. Fuzzy's case is at a stand still. His next court date is supposed to just be a 3 month review so nothing special. We will attend in case the judge wants to talk to us about the crap that went on with his overnight visits. L hasn't been progressing much, actually it depends on who she's around. She wants all of our attention so she tries to act like a baby around us, and it turns into a huge battle to get her to do somethings that we know she can do. She's not even trying to communicate with me most of the time. Her therapist and everyone has been working on getting her to point to what she wants. She was doing it for a while now not so much. I can sit down on the couch with some goldfish crackers. Fuzzy will come over to me and reach for the box or hold out his hand. She will stand about 4 feet away and just stare at me. If I ask her what do you want or say show me what you want. She will just stare or smile. To me that's not communicating correctly. It's so frustrating.

Our 4th wedding anniversary will be Wednesday, and the 4th anniversary of my sister's passing will be Friday. Madison was due on our 1st anniversary. I just wish I could get pregnant again. It's been almost 4 years since I got pregnant with Maddie. I wish I could be normal again. I want a child of my own that man can take away. I want to be able to take my child to the doctor and not have to explain that this child is not legally mine. I want to make decisions for my child without have to have a court order. I want to be a normal mother again.

I want the tears to stop welling up in my eyes as I type this. I want my husband to understand my pain. I want him to stop calling me cranky. I'm not simply "cranky". I'm not a baby nor an old woman. I'm angry, frustrated, brokenhearted, disappointed, run over, suffering, and so much more that I can't put into words. I need to be happy again.

A friend of mine posted this on her blog a while back, and it just feels right for me to share it again:

"A Pair of Shoes"
author unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Updates

2009-08-16T22:22:00.003-05:00

We've been so busy and constantly running lately. It upsets me that we never got around to visiting Maddie's grave last month at all. I always said that I would go out there at least once a month because I was not going to be the parent that gets so busy in their life to neglect their angel. I will not miss another month.

Fuzzy stood up on his own today without using anything to help him! I think that he will start walking soon. It's hard to believe that it's almost been a year since he came to live with us. We've stopped trying to potty train L until she's willing and able to communicate with us consistently. She's still trying to pretend that she doesn't know how to feed herself correctly, but we know that she does because she does it at daycare and for other people like my mom. She's been saying more words on some days while other days she won't say much. I'm so glad that the speech therapy has started, and I can't wait until she's really talking with us like a normal 2 year old. She's a nice kid, but damn she can drive me crazy sometimes. But things have gotten much better over the past few weeks which is good.

I've started singing with my church's praise band, and it's been fun. I haven't sang with a group since high school. I've been practicing and I need to practice a lot more. I like to bring my "A" game to the table. We're working on a CD which took up a big chunk of my Saturday. We go back in the studio in 2 weeks to record my background vocals. So there will be a lot of singing going on in my house and car for the next couple of weeks.

I finally found out about my job, and I'm ok with the decision. I'm hoping that as everything gets lined out in the next few weeks that my job will be a lot less hectic and more structured.

2009-08-11T20:14:00.003-05:00

Today was not a good day. I don't know why I'm always in a bad situation at work. I try to keep a low profile and just do a good job, but there is always something that happens to screw that all to hell. I can't say what happened, but my ass is in the crapper right now. Ughhhhh. It's not like I purposely did this, but people that I thought were adults overheard me tell another co-worker something that I didn't know was confidential and felt the need to spread it like the latest celebrity BS. Thanks a lot you nosy azz people!

One good note is that the kids liked my chicken and dumplings. They both were smiling and saying Mmmmmmm while they were eating. I'm glad that I'm actually getting L to eat some normal food instead of only eating spaghettios and Vienna sausage.

2009-08-09T21:58:00.004-05:00

We've been running and running the past few weeks, and I'm looking for things to slow down at some point. The kids are doing fine. L is starting to act out more and more, and push us. She pushes Rob a lot more than me. Her speech therapy is going well. Some days she talks , and you can understand some of the things she says. While others she just babbles and points. Things are looking more and more like she will be with us for quite a while. They've almost exhausted all of their options of relatives that have come forward as possible placements. They're down to 2 that they are doing home studies on.

I still don't know anything about my job at this time. So I'm just working and hoping for the best. I'm putting it all in God's hands because worrying isn't going to get me anywhere.

I went shopping with Fuzzy and my mother-in-law, Kathey, yesterday since there were some awesome sales going on. We were having a tax free weekend too which just made things even better. I hit up my favorite seasonal upscale consignment shop, and got the kids a ton of fall/winter clothes. I also got a travel booster chair and some walking wings for Fuzzy for a total of $10! Then we went by the mall (which was freaking packed like it was Christmas). My back hurts because I forgot to pack the stroller so I had to carry Fuzzy most of the day. That little boy gets heavy fast.

In the middle of this, I was able to get in to my salon to get a trim. I hadn't had my hair cut in 4 months and desperately needed it. But I hated the way my hair looked when I was done because my stylists will get a little too "high fashion = big freaking wild hair" on you. Also my hair was really dry. My hair has gotten used to sulfate free shampoo. So when I finally made it home from shopping, (I can't believe I went all over town looking like an effing picked chicken) I gave myself a deep conditioning rinse with heat treatment which helped a ton. But all in all I'm satisfied with my salon visit because I got a good hair cut. Transitioning my hair from relaxed to natural has been an interesting journey. I've learned a lot about my hair, and I know I've got a lot more to learn as time goes on. But I'm lucky I found a great line of products fairly early on that have been a huge help for me.

Before
After
Well, it's past my bedtime so I'll be going for now.

Dear Evil Witch,

2009-08-04T14:04:00.002-05:00

I would prefer it if you made your arrival either early or on time. When you are several days late, I can't help but get a faint glimmer of hope. I start to think that maybe this month we will get our blessing. I try to ignore the calendar when you're a day or two late since you're usually very early or perfectly on time. But when you're several days late, it pisses me off because I know that you will be here soon. I try to be a rational infertile and chalk up every "symptom" as PMS, but those pregnant fantasies still creep into my mind. I know, I know...I should know better by now. But please help a sister out and bring your ass on if you're coming to visit this cycle!

Sincerely,

Ashley aka The Temperamental Mama

Pity Party

2009-07-31T22:52:00.003-05:00

I'm just feeling really low right now. I've been letting myself go for a while, in part due to stress and in part due to being depressed. Everyday I find out about another person that's a fat ass just like me has gotten pregnant and had a non-eventful pregnancy. They go home with their perfect child to lead normal lives. While, it's been 2 1/2 years since we've been trying and trying and trying with no change. I can't believe that some people have been trying so much longer than that, and somehow still have their sanity. I just don't know what to do. I want to try, but it's just one more thing that I will fail at again. I just want to get a chance to walk on easy street just once. I want to live a normal life. I want to be the only person that makes decisions for myself and my kids. I don't want to have to go to a bunch of meetings and let my kids be abused by someone just because a judge says so. I just want to be normal.

Updates

2009-07-30T22:04:00.004-05:00

The FTC went pretty well. I got a chance to talk with the CASA supervisor since she sat in on the meeting, and she says that she will be in court the next time we go. She's a very nice woman that knows a lot about BM's history because she was with CASA when BM was a foster child several years ago. BM didn't even show up for the FTC. She claimed that she was sick, but she didn't call to tell anyone. She called about 15 minutes after the meeting started to return the CW's phone call. Everyone there was horrified by the photo of Fuzzy's behind after his last overnight visit. It will be presented to the judge. Nothing was changed on the case plan, but we're hoping the case will be changed to TPR when we go to court in September. I don't want to get my hopes up though.

Too cool

2009-07-29T11:32:00.002-05:00

I wish I could have pulled off a wedding like this couple.

FTC

2009-07-27T22:29:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow is the 2nd FTC, Family Team Conference, we will attend for Fuzzy's case. I'm starting to get nervous since I'll be going by myself because of work conflicts. I have Fuzzy's lifebook, a new picture to give the social worker showing how bad his butt looked after his last overnight visit, and reports from the daycare showing how his mood and health changes when he has these extended visits. I don't think I mentioned that he had an overnight visit the day after his birthday. He was brought back to daycare the day after the visit at 11 AM. The daycare called me at 1 to tell me that he had already had 3 nasty, painful blowouts. His bottom was bloody raw. I had to leave work early to go get him a couple of hours later after his 5th blowout. He was screaming in pain. I was in tears for my son. We're still trying to get his bottom back to normal and that was a week ago. Also the CW told me several other things that the BM had done wrong on that visit like being at her mom's house even though she's been ordered to keep Fuzzy away from there. The CW had to pick him up from there. The BM's mom volunteered the information that they had been feeding him whole milk and spaghetti! This child had not had any formula in 24 hours! WTF? How do you even think that it's a good idea to "wean" a baby overnight and feed him greasy spaghetti all day? CW has told me that they are planning on stopping the overnight visits because of all the problems and BM's inability to follow simple directions. I'm hoping that Fuzzy's attorney makes this meeting so I can meet her and talk with her. I know it would be too much to hope for termination to become the new case plan, but I can't help but hold out a little flicker of hope. Please keep me and Fuzzy in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow. I'll update as soon as I can. Thanks.

Play

2009-07-26T16:06:00.000-05:00

I love just being a mom and watching my kids play.

Saturday

2009-07-25T14:07:00.012-05:00

I'm enjoying my Saturday at home with not much to do. L is spending the day with my mom. My mom is determined to potty train her so I'm letting her try. My mother-in-law has taken her to use the big toilet a couple of times, and she's told Rob that she was about to wet her diaper a couple of times. She's never told me or given me any indication that she was ready to be potty trained. Also her lack of communication hasn't made me rush to start this transition. She just started speech therapy yesterday, so hopefully that will help her start communicating with us better and more consistently. Fuzzy took a nice nap, but woke up cranky as hell. He's now happily playing in his car while we watch Inuyasha. We're planning on grilling tonight which I'm looking forward to. After last weekend's festivities and constant running around it took me several days to fully recover so this lazy weekend is very much appreciated.

I know I promised more pictures from the party (and one from his birthday the next day), but I only have a couple that aren't full on face shots of Fuzzy. So here's what I've got.

Happy Birthday

2009-07-19T17:41:00.005-05:00

My son turned one today, and I'm so happy and blessed to get to celebrate and share this milestone with him. He's changed so much over this past year. I was looking at pictures of him from when we got him and how he looks now. It's amazing to see him grow from a helpless, immobile baby to a very vocal, very, very mobile, opinionated, funny, happy little boy. His smile melts my heart everyday. Hearing him call me mama makes a bad day, a good day.
We took him to my stylist Friday to get his first real haircut. He looks so handsome. His birthday party was a lot of work, and we were exhausted and sore by the time it was done. But it was so worth it. We had lots of family and friends there all wishing Fuzzy a happy birthday. I'll post some pictures as soon as I get them uploaded. My bro took a bunch of shots for me too so hopefully it won't take him too long to send them to me. Everyone loved the hamburgers and hotdogs. Rob got lots of compliments on the food. I'm glad that putting the food in slowcookers to keep everything warm after he took it off the grill worked perfectly. We were able to grill a couple of hours of before we ate, and everything was still nice, hot, and juicy.

Fuzzy got a room full of toys and some clothes. He's sitting in one of his favorites right now, a Radio Flyer rocking horse. He will sit in that things for 30 minutes or more just bouncing and laughing. Thanks Auntie Kelley and Uncle Jim! He loves his Cozy Coupe, but he's still getting used to getting in and out of it himself, but he does loves opening and closing his car door. Thanks Tia Janet and Tio Corey! We officially need to buy another toy chest to hold all his gifts. We'll take our time introducing a new toy or toy to him every few days so. I tried not to stress too much about things that didn't turn out right or the stuff that we forgot to bring with us to the party. Everyone had a great time and that's what I wanted.

Fuzzy, Mama and Daddy love you with all our hearts. We're so thankful and blessed to have you in our lives and to get the privilede to be your parents. We pray that we will get to support and guide you through all of life's milestones. But no matter what happens, you will always be our son. We love you!

Party Time

2009-07-16T17:29:00.004-05:00

I would have updated sooner if I heard from Fuzzy's CW earlier, but I just got a call from her today. She let me know that BM got mad when she told her that NO she wasn't going to get Fuzzy's for his birthday. That we had already planned to have him out of town weeks in advance. After getting an attitude didn't work then she tried the waterworks, but that didn't work either. CW just told BM that the judge had already approved it. Plus the district supervisor had decided that BM will not have anymore weekend visits for a while after reading our list of problems with his last visit. She will still have overnight visits sometimes because the judge ordered it. But the visits will be during the week so that CW can check up on Fuzzy and see how things are going. She will be able to see how he is when he leaves our care and how he is when he's returned to us. So his next visit will be Monday and CW will bring him back Tuesday morning to the day care. I'm not happy about the overnight visit, but I'm thankful that we will have our son with us for his birthday.

CW told me that they did go over our list of problems from the last visit with BM. And she actually had the nerve to try to say he had a diaper rash when we gave him to her, but she forgot to mention it to anyone or take a picture. Isn't that just convenient? It's nice that we have the day care backing us that no his butt was perfectly fine on Friday evening when I picked him up. But when he comes home Sunday afternoon his butt is raw.

I've still got tons to do to prepare for this weekend. And it's time for me to run and pick up the kids before band practice so gotta go!

Updates

2009-07-11T20:17:00.002-05:00

Fuzzy's BM called about an hour ago saying that she didn't know that it was her day to have him. I don't know how else you need to explain to someone when you tell them every other Saturday. I think that's pretty simple. You get a damn calendar and you mark every other freaking Saturday from the start date! But I expected this. I know that she's thinking that if she didn't visit this weekend that next weekend (Fuzzy's birthday) would be her visit day. But I thought about this happening already so when these Saturday visits started I requested and received the judge's authorization to take Fuzzy to Dallas next weekend. BM just kept saying that she's planned him a party and all her family is traveling here for it from Phili and New Orleans. Yeah right! She said that she'll work something out with the social worker when she gets back in town next week. I just kept my mouth shut. BM is not going to ruin Fuzzy's 1st birthday. He will enjoy himself with the family he knows and loves.

2009-07-11T12:49:00.003-05:00

Well, we were expecting to hear from Fuzzy's BM this morning because today was supposed to be his 2nd overnight visit. She didn't call us so we called her at 9 which should have been an hour before we met, and her phone went straight to voice mail. Rob left a message. I called back about 10:30, and got the same thing. We were told that she was having visits every other Saturday. CW is out of town right now, but we called and left her a message anyway. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'll be damned if she thinks she's getting him next weekend for his birthday. No ma'am because one it's not your week I don't care if you flaked out this weekend and two we've already gotten the judge's sign-off to take him to TX next weekend. I'm not calling anymore. I'm not keeper. I've done all that I think I should do.

Let's Get Ready to Rumble

2009-07-09T18:10:00.002-05:00

I'm past fed up with the system and it's lack of work. Yesterday, transportation picked up Fuzzy at 9:30 from day care. They sent him with 4 diapers, some wipes, a jar of food, a bottle, and a change of clothes. He was dropped off at 1:45 PM with all 4 diapers, wet clothes (the same ones he left in), and a bottle full of cloudy water. He was starving. He had not been changed that entire time. WTF? Really? How can an office full of "professional workers" have a baby in their care for almost 5 hours and never bother to change him? How can you possibly teach his dumb ass BM how to parent him if you can't do it either? I can't be with him all the time, but stupid me thought that he would be ok with a bunch of social workers. His actual case worker is on vacation right now, but her supervisor was supposed to be there. I called the supervisor and basically got rushed off the phone. I told her what happened and asked her why this happened. All she said was that BM was supposed to change him during her visit. WTF? Aren't you supposed to make sure she does this? Aren't you supposed to make sure he's taken care of correctly? Or are you "too busy" to give a damn.

I'm in the process of gathering all of my documentation to send a copy to Fuzzy's attorney. I've never met her, but I have her address. It may not do any good, but I'm going to try anyway. Someone has to be willing to go to bat for this child. I will do everything I can for him as long as I can.

2009-07-05T13:42:00.002-05:00

I'm just wondering is it normal for a 2 year old to take 1 1/2 hours to eat a bowl of cereal or take 45 minutes to eat a small muffin and half of a banana? L and her eating drives me crazy. She can't eat a burger as a burger, like picking it up and biting it. Nope, she starts taking it apart and rubbing it. Yep, she rubs everything she eats except for fruit for minutes and minutes. She sits there and caresses the food and then she tears it up. She may or may not eat more than a bite or two if you don't sit there and feed her. But I'm sorry this child is 2 and needs to learn to self feed. The annoying thing is that she feeds herself at daycare, but that's it. With us or anyone else if she's not being fed then she is molesting the food. Then she starts rubbing the fork or or spoon all over her face. I have no clue if this is normal or not. I've never been a around a child that acts like this so I'm not sure. I wonder if she's autistic. The therapist that evaluated her said that it's possible because of some of her odd behaviors, but she suggested that we give her a few months of speech therapy before we have her tested for autism. So I guess we will wait unless something changes.

Hi

2009-07-04T09:38:00.003-05:00

We had a visit on Monday with the social worker (even though she was late getting her like so often...bitch was freaking shopping when I called to ask her why she wasn't here at noon like she should be...WTF...moving on!). I had already typed out everything we had observed about his behavior after the visit and everything that had happened. SW thanked me for doing this so she could make sure to have everything documented for his file and show it to her supervisor. I also told her I would mail her the pictures I took as soon as I got them uploaded from my camera and printed out. I'll get them done this week since the SW told us she will be on vacation for the next 2 weeks anyway. I've got her supervisor's numbers if I need something while she's gone. SW was very upset about how this visit went, but she expected it to not go well since she knows that BM shouldn't have unsupervised overnight visits. But what can you do when the judge thinks they know more than anyone in actually involved in this case on a daily base. I told SW that I want to be told about every hearing for this case because I will be there. We have the right to testify and I will. I will go to battle for my son. If I lose, I will know that I fought the good fight.

I'm glad that this weekend is a free weekend. We're planning on grilling today (yum ribs and boudin), and pulling out the baby pool for the kids. Rob wants to shoot fireworks so we will go by the fireworks stand that's walking distance from our house tonight to get some supplies. I know that Fuzzy has been around them before, but L may freak out. We'll have to start small and see how it goes. I'm debating about going to the big fireworks show in the park tonight.

I'm still working on Fuzzy's birthday bash that will be 2 weeks from today. I've got the cake ordered and the paper goods purchased. I'm still kind of iffy on the cake. We're doing a Se*same Street theme, and I found a cake I like. I went to my usual baker to order it and they quoted me $65. I was shocked because it was originally $78 until I lowered the number of servings. This is the cake. The only thing that the baker is doing is the cake and the cupcakes. I'm putting the decorations on it myself since. I just wonder if I can get it from someone cheaper. I know this bakery's quality. They made our wedding cakes, and they were so good people were talking about them for weeks! I've got the invites printed I just need to address them and mail some of the out. Most of them I will hand deliver. I'm going to price renting an E*lmo or Cookie*Monster costume since we have a couple of friends that would be willing to wear them for us. I just want this to be the best 1st birthday party for Fuzzy. This may be our only chance to give him a birthday party so we have to make it good. Well, there's a little hand with a smiling face grabbing my leg so I gotta go. I hope everyone has a wonderful 4th of July!

My weekend

2009-07-01T09:47:00.002-05:00

We met BM at 10 AM Saturday to drop Fuzzy off. I cried most of the way there, but pulled it together before anyone but Rob would see me. I got Fuzzy out of his car seat, and he was asleep so when BM grabbed him from me he opened his eyes for a second and went back to sleep. I got back in the car while Rob gave her a small diaper bag that we packed for him. BM says, "You didn't have to do that." Like we were giving her a damn gift or something. Idiot! BM showed up riding with an older lady and at least they had a car seat in the car for him. Fuzzy woke up as Rob was going back to the car and gave him a very confused look when he realized that BM was holding him and Daddy was leaving. It broke my heart to let him go because I knew he was not going to be taken care of the way he should be.

All day Saturday I rearranged furniture and cleaned and cleaned. I had to keep busy to keep my mind from dwelling on him and wondering what was going on with him. Saturday night BM called me to ask if she could keep him until 1PM so she could take him to church. Trying to be nice, I agreed. We got to the meeting point at 1 and my phone rings. It's BM saying that she's going to be late because she doesn't have a ride and Fuzzy is asleep. WTF does Fuzzy being asleep have to do with anything, I don't know. I hung up on her and called the social worker. I left SW a message about what was going on. We decided to head home since it was 102 degrees and we're sitting in a parking lot with a 2 year old that's hungry and it's at least a 40 minute drive from BM's home to where we were. We stopped to get lunch and headed home. By the time we got home BM called and said she was on her way. So we headed back. I know we could have waited at the house a while and then left, but we were too anxious to get Fuzzy back.

BM shows up about an hour after she called in a small white pick-up truck driven by some little wrinkled white man. Whoever the hell he was no one knows? Something told me to have my camera ready when they pulled up. And I was right BM was holding the car seat in her lap with Fuzzy in it unbuckled. If they had been hit or had to make a sudden stop there was nothing there to prevent him from flying through the front windshield! I snapped a picture and jumped out of the car. Fuzzy saw me and started smiling. He practically jumped from her arms to me. His pants were soaking wet. A few words were exchanged but she didn't mention anything about how his visit went. I walked to the car and immediatly took his pants off and changed him. His diaper had started to fall apart it was so heavy with urine. Fuzzy looked like hell. He had these huge bags under his dark, sunken eyes, but he just kept smiling at us. You could tell he was so happy to be home. His hair reeked of smoke. And this is after she was been told time and time again that he has severe allergies and asthma so he doesn't need to be around smoke!

When we got home I checked his bottom to find it raw and red. I took a picture of this too for his social worker. I weighed the diaper to find that it weighed almost a pound! A dry diaper is only a little over an ounce and this diaper weighed a pound! His social worker said to just pack him a small diaper bag because BM should have everything he needed. So we sent him with 2 diapers, a premade bottle, an almost brand new can of formula, his medicines, butt paste, and a bath tub book. That bitch kept the formula and the book and his clothes he had on that day. Good thing I dressed him in play clothes and cheap shoes because I would have beat her ass if she kept some Nik*e or Str*iderite shoes! I'm not even sure if she fed him the formula we sent because the SW said that she saw a big can of formula there when she visited the home the day before the visit. Also from 3PM to 8PM, Fuzzy had 4 seperate poopy diapers that were nasty. This child normally has 1 or 2 a day, not 4 in a 5 hour span.

I spent several hours sitting on the couch holding him so he could sleep. At one point he let out a horrible scream and it took me a a few minutes to get him to stop and look at me. As soon as he saw me he said mama and fell back asleep. Even if Rob was holding him he had to keep me within eyesight or he would cry. He's normally not like that. He's always to independent unless he's sick. I wish I knew what the hell she did to him. I don't know how anyone can think putting him through this stress is good for him. I know it won't get any better because BM is stubborn and doesn't listen to anyone. She wants to do things her way and it doesn't matter that it's hurting Fuzzy.